My Father's Legacy

.

I don’t know if I knew that then. I just knew that all the special, tasty dishes that Mummy made were left for Shabbat; that Daddy would be with us for all the meals on Shabbat; that the whole family would sit around the dining-room table on Shabbat; that the table was laid with our best crockery, cutlery and glasses; that we all had time for each other; that we wore our prettiest clothes; that each Friday, Daddy brought home bags full of treats to be saved for Shabbat. I loved Shabbat.

. That was another delight of our Shabbat meals. We would sing zemirot , songs celebrating the preciousness of Shabbat. Sometimes the tunes would race, sometimes my big brothers and sisters would harmonize with each other, and sometimes we would giggle at a merry chorus. Daddy was marking the tune rhythmically with his hand. Up and down it went, and each time it landed on my opened prayerbook, his precisely cut, half moon thumbnail made a little indentation on the page.

I remember those moments, sitting there on my daddy’s lap watching the thumbnail marks gradually spreading over the page. That piece of time is crystallized in my memory. I can still replay the fascination with the idea that those thumbnail marks were creating a permanent presence in my prayerbook; that some essence of Daddy was infused in those rhythmical indentations.

I wish I had a clearer picture of those moments. I can fill in much of the surroundings: describe the room, the table, Daddy’s special chair, Mummy, my brothers and sisters. I can make up a complete picture from my knowing, but not from my feeling. I can’t put myself wholly there; I can’t relive, re-feel what it was like to be on Daddy’s lap. I can only know that I had some sort of “history in the making” experience as I watched my prayerbook absorb those thumbnail imprints into its being.

How many times have I looked over that now-yellowed page? How many times have I tried to extract the secrets from those taunting half-moon furrows? Who was he, what was in his mind then, what did he think of me? How many times have I tried, through those perceptible live physical realities, to conjure up just a teeny peep of the daddy lost to me as my childhood waned into teenagehood at the tender age of fourteen? So I have lost his presence, but what did he infuse into those thumbnail marks that are still very much with me?

His fingernails were so precisely cut. His clothes were so perfectly in tune with his status as a family doctor: three-piece suit in the winter, two-piece suit in the summer. He drove around in his staid black car to the house calls, sometimes taking my sister and me with to visit the “old dears.” They loved him, his elderly patients. He brought warmth, caring and life into their dreary, musty abodes full of photographs, memories and silence. We brought chatter and sweetness, creating a new moment to treasure amidst the monotony of their lives. His doctoring; his caring; his going out in rain, shine or snow day by day to surgery, to house visits—did he put all of that into the thumbnail prints?

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My Father's Legacy
My Father's Legacy

I can still replay the fascination with the idea that those thumbnail marks were creating a permanent presence in my prayerbook; that some essence of Daddy was infused in those rhythmical indentations. I wish I had a clearer picture of those moments.



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