Walk Behind Trimmer

Why stop at subway stations? Rebrand the whole neighbourhood!

Last week, word came out of Toronto city council that local politicians were considering an effort to sell naming rights to subway stops around the GTA. The prototypical idea floated was to rename the Spadina station the McDonald’s Spadina station, which seemed a natural fit considering the restaurant’s ubiquitous presence throughout the city. Local businesses and corporate types cheered in support of this idea, while, typically, a group of no-goodniks and ne’er-do-wells protested the crass commercialism driving it. Those of us at Games People Play, however, are supportive of such creative and fiscally dynamic measures and, for what it’s worth, we, in this space, would like to offer a few ideas of our own should the city continue down this naming-rights road. In the 21st century, cities must take measures to allay recent chronic spending, and we applaud the Ford regime’s ability to meet these difficulties head-on.

For instance, we feel the Kipling station should be renamed the Cialis Erectile Dysfunction/Kipling stop in homage to the legions of young paramours whose martini-soaked weekend clubbing often gets the best of their romantic endeavours. Alternately, the Oxo Brite Non-Chlorine Bleach/Kipling station would also work, considering the excess of cleaning liquid required to ready the station for Monday commuters.

Considering its proximity to Toronto’s Rainbow Village, the College street station should be renamed the Atelier Cologne Trefle Pur/College stop — “Apply sparingly around your neck and upper torso for a scent that will last all night and well past breakfast the next morning”— in consideration of the finely-groomed nature of the enclave’s denizens.

Come to think of it, the city’s Italian hub — sitting to the west of the station — would benefit from this association, as well. It would certainly encourage Toronto residents to consider the importance of high-end application mists, and on Tuesday mornings — garbage pickup day — this cannot be an entirely bad thing.

To the east, Warden station might be rebranded Reader’s Digest “Feel Good About Yourself”/Warden stop as a way of bettering the generally neglected nature of the city’s far east end. In the same spirit of coping with woe and a measure of civic insecurity, the Alpenbitter #7 Stomach Bitters might work, as would the potential anodyne of a Breyers Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream sponsorship.